A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a  drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer. "

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.    

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk


Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a
few at the  local  pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree
in the  middle  of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that  there  is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again
and  discovers  that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing
him to veer  from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he
hears the  sound   of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer,
approaches  Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy
tells his  story  of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid
sentence and  says,
"Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"


Passing by a pet shop window, a woman spotted a large beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of ill repute and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the pretty
bird anyway. She took it home and hung the cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room,
then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought:
"that's not so bad."  When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about it...
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."